My friend makes rings. She swirls and sings. She's a mystic in the sense that she's still mystified by things, but scared to ask, "How can nothing seem to last?" 'Cause like a cancer in your body it all just goes too fast... -This Too Shall Pass, Song by Danny Schmidt
The first time I heard this song, I stopped mid-stride, and stood still, staring blankly at nothing. I didn’t move again until the song finished.
Then, I played it again.
Then, again.
That song was all I listened to for the rest of the day. I wept openly, and I didn’t understand why.
It was 2019, and I didn’t know then how deeply entrenched I was in depression. Life was good, and that appeared to be the crux of the problem. At the top of the mountain, there’s nowhere to go but down - and I knew that. It wasn’t my first time at the top, and it wasn’t my first glimpse at understanding how quickly the ground beneath one’s feet can crumble like drying sand.
The story goes, or the way that I was told, there was a king that always felt too high, and then he felt too low. And so he called all the wise men to the hall, and he begged them for a gift to end the rises and the falls. And here's the thing: they came back with a ring. It was simple and was plainly unbefitting of a king. Engraved in black, well, it had no front or back, but there were words around the band that said "Just Know: This, Too, Shall Pass" -This Too Shall Pass, Song by Danny Schmidt
Almost five years have passed, and I’m still amazed at the power this song has over me - how it’s always a different part of the song that catches me each time.
Everything is changing and passing, turning into something new. I guess I’m still learning what that means. Danny keeps telling me about it. I hear it like new, my eyes glistening every time he tells me.
Most of my thirties are in the rearview mirror, and eyeing forty feels strange. Men older than me chuckle before saying “It’s all downhill from here, buddy.” My high school teachers told me I wouldn’t make it to twenty-five.
I didn’t expect to be here.
But I’m healthy. Three pages of a lab printout from the VA say all test results were within acceptable ranges.
“This, too, shall pass...”
I have tasted a flavor of peace that is unlike anything I have experienced. I do not want for anything. My days are filled with meaning. My life is full and beautiful. I am becoming ok with change. I have tentatively opened my door to life.
My heart bears an outward-facing welcome mat.
“This, too, shall pass...”
I see wonder in this world. I am no longer depressed. I do not feel anxious. I have released (most of) my anger. I have learned to forgive.
My wife is brilliant, beautiful, funny. She loves me. And, God, I love her.
I started writing again last month, which is something I always wanted to do more of. People have been so kind and receptive to my work. Many have humbled me with their genuine goodness. I feel the love.
I have a good job that pays well. I am friends with the people I work alongside. I have a house that feels like home.
“This, too, shall pass...”
There are still moments where I’m scared of the future because I don’t know what is in store for us. Reports are bleak from mainstream sources. Tensions are high. Layoffs are common.
This morning, I went to the grocery store to grab some coffee. I witnessed an employee quit his job. Having a breakdown, he sobbed, “I can’t take this…”
“This, too, shall pass...”
Last night, my wife woke up crying. There was nothing I could do but hold her.
“This, too, shall pass...”
Today, it is rainy and dark, and it promises to continue to be so. I miss the sunshine, but the earth needs watering.
It’s a new day. We’re barely through the morning, and there’s still the chance that any number of amazing events could happen. Or nothing at all.
“This, too, shall pass...”
Today is Friday.
“This, too, shall pass...”
Tomorrow will be Saturday…
“This, too, shall pass...”
…and Saturdays are my favorite days.
“This, too, shall pass...”
I’m standing on the precipice of something I don’t understand, and maybe I never will. Maybe I can’t. Maybe no one can.
I’m ok with that…
…but being ok doesn’t mean I’m ready to be done trying.
I’m ready to live a changing life.
Wow. Dude...I kinda can't believe what I'm reading. I think we are some sort of alternate reality versions of one another.
For one thing, I'll be 39 next week. A lot of what you say about your wife, your job, your writing...all extremely similar to my situation.
But here's the real kicker: I know this song well. Not as well as you do, but it sticks out strongly in my memory. Why? Because back in 2016 my wife recommended the podcast Welcome to Night Vale to me, in which each episode ends in "the weather" AKA a guest musical appearance. (Right now I'm thinking there's about a 50% chance you are nodding along to this, having discovered this song in the same way.) I loved (and still love) the song, having first heard it on that podcast.
But there's more. Another song that appeared on "the weather" of WTNV was "I Know This" by Rachel Kann. Both songs sit as a pair in my memory, having added them to my iPhone's music library at about the same time, and often listening to both as part of my rotation at the time. In my case, it was Rachel's song that really changed my life forever, slowly but surely. If you've known me for any appreciable amount of time, you know I reference her work often. I would not be writing right now (and not have heard of Substack) if not for her influence; her incredible collection of poetry, music, and other art; her online poetry facilitation sessions; her genuine kindness; and her ability to see me very clearly and boost my confidence manyfold with her encouraging remarks on my early poetry. And it all started with "I Know This," which is still strongly tied to "This Too Shall Pass" in my mind to this day.
Oof, I just made this about myself a LOT.
Your reflections here are beautiful, and Danny's message is so important and so well executed. Your writing flows very naturally, and resonates with me right away.
Thank you so much, Jeremy.
This phrase.. "This, too, shall pass" something my husband said to me quite frequently.. and now, it gets to the next day. Thank you for your words, Jeremy. 💖❤❣